Heart To Heart: Motherhood

*Photography By The Glow

Motherhood has been one hell of a ride and if I would have told my 20 something year old self that it was going to be the best chapter in my life, I wouldn’t have believed it. As young adults we look at parenting as a chore and a way to lose our self-identity (well I did anyway). I always thought I was going to morph into a soccer mom and be forced to move out of the city. What I didn’t know is that it was my choice to live this chapter the way I wanted to. Let me start from the moment I found out that I was expecting.

The look of shock on my face was one that no one could imagine as I sat there staring at a positive sign on a dollar store pregnancy stick. It was somewhere around 4am as I just got home from one of my bartending jobs and was feeling a little off all week. I remember thinking that the test was defective and that I would grab a new one when I woke. Six pregnancy test and 5 hours later I reached for the phone to call my best friend and tell her the news. We ended up at a PF Changs in New Jersey because of my odd cravings for Chinese food. As we sat there chatting, I was in disbelief. How could I be someone’s mom? I didn’t have my shit together, I had horrible health insurance if any and my boyfriend lived in Canada. What in the world did I have to offer a child? My childhood was less than perfect and I knew that I didn’t want that for my own offspring. I also wasn’t ready to sacrifice my identity and free-spirit to be tied down to a baby. So many things ran through my head over the next few weeks and instead of being excited, I was just a ball of mixed emotions.

I lived in Gramercy with my roommate who I met on Craigslist. If you grew up in NY then chances are you have had about six roommates in your life and sometimes three at a time. It’s equivalent to living in a college dorm. My lease was up around the same time as my due date which was convenient. I knew I would have to move but to where? My boyfriend was so excited about the baby that he immediately thought I would move to Canada and begin a new life. The thought of moving out of NYC made me angry, emotional and upset at the same time. I have this special attachment to this city that never sleeps which is indescribable. How could I leave a place that made me? What about my friends and my life? I had so many thoughts and concerns.

Well, I took the plunge and I left. Three days later, my water broke and my daughter was born 4 weeks early in Montreal. Here I was, in a new country with a new baby feeling happy and lonely at the same time. She was so tiny and I had no idea what I was doing but I was her mom. I remember looking at her and thinking that I was going to give her the life I never had. I wanted her to have the best education followed by all the extracurricular activities she could think of. I wanted to fill her life with love and memorable moments she would never forget. I had a great spouse and knew we could make this happen.

I didn’t immediately change after having a child like people say but I slowly transitioned into a different person. I became more compassionate and patient. I took a minute to slow down which I never did before. I became more confident and stopped caring about what people thought of me. I never blamed my past but instead learned how to be a better parent from it. I wanted to do better so I did by having a much more positive outlook on life with the help of a few Law of Attraction books. I took the time out to be grateful for what I have in my life during its present state rather than dwelling on things I didn’t have. The fears that I once had about becoming a mother were gone and replaced by a feeling of confidence and gratitude. Once when I thought it was horrible timing for a child, turned out to be the perfect time. She taught me to be the person I am today and continues to inspire and push me to be the best role model I can be. No one is perfect but at the end of the day, if you don’t believe in yourself who will?

Thank you for reading and if you want to catch up on last week’s heart to heart post then you can read that here. Don’t forget to leave your comments below, you all inspire me to share my personal experiences with you and I’m forever grateful to be surrounded by such a positive community.

XO,

Sai

15 Comments

  1. Lydia
    January 24, 2017 / 9:02 AM

    Absolutely love this! I’m not a mom yet, but I have so many mixed emotions about becoming one. Sure I want to be a parent but I definitely don’t have anything together. Sometimes you just gotta take the plunge and roll with the punches. I’m learning this for myself anyway!

  2. January 24, 2017 / 9:45 AM

    What an inspirational post. Thanks for being real and sharing – lovely post ❥

  3. January 24, 2017 / 9:48 AM

    Sai,

    This was my favorite post yet. I read it this morning and it just reminded me of why I adore the sh*t out of you lol! You’re a total badass and you inspire me every single day whether you know it or not. Thank you so much for always being vulnerable with us and sharing the human side of everything. Makes me want to do the same 🙂 Xo, Roxy

  4. January 24, 2017 / 9:49 AM

    Love this post❤ I really admire that you have a child and live in the city, but that doesn’t stop you from achieving your dreams! You seem like such a great mom and person and you are such an inspiration to me!

  5. Mariela (IG thedappermom)
    January 24, 2017 / 10:38 AM

    What an emotional post. I’m very moved by it bc sometimes we let our everyday frustrations guide us and we miss out on the beauty and influence our children bestow upon us. Thank you for this post. I love your blog, often because as a mom that loves fashion and style sometimes it’s difficult to stay afloat with yourself trying to manage 2 little ones. I have a 4 year old little lady that has beautiful curly hair like your princess and I just had a baby girl 2 months ago. It’s a learning process and although they are 2 somehow it’s just easier this time around. My guilt lies in trying to still make time with my first love but they is of course enough love to go around. 😊 Best of luck with your pregnancy and baby boy. You are giving them the best gift of all- each other.

  6. January 24, 2017 / 11:28 AM

    Love love love this! Sounds like E. Tolle’s teaching. I’m curious which books of the Law of Attraction! Thank you for sharing your story!

  7. Maria Martinez
    January 24, 2017 / 12:47 PM

    Love this post. I resonate so much with what you say about who you have become since becoming a mom. I feel the exact same way.

  8. Chanel
    January 24, 2017 / 12:55 PM

    This was such a good read! 🙂 I think that is one of my thoughts too (once you become pregnant or a mom, your life is suddenly over or you have to change into a different person). But just curious, did you and your boyfriend end up getting married? Did you work in Montreal? And when or how soon after did you decide to move back to NYC? Thanks!

  9. January 24, 2017 / 2:02 PM

    My firstborn definitely came at what felt like not the right time at all in my book. But truth be told, I don’t think there is a perfect time to have kids and no one is ever really ready to be parents or for their lives to be turned upside down. At least that is what we tell our friends now.

    Our baby brought a lot of things I always knew I wanted deep down. And sure, life can be hard at times and it probably always will be. But their little faces are the greatest reminder that we have enough and it’s worth it. I love that you found a way to be true to the you inside. How exciting that you get to do it all over again! 🙂

  10. Phyllis
    January 24, 2017 / 2:40 PM

    Thank you for sharing….very good read! How does London do with her father traveling so much? I have seen you guys in Canada and NYC, so do you guys spend half the year in each country? It seems like a very adventurous life to live. London appears to be so well rounded and I absolutely love the relationship you have with her. I know you mention your husband from time to time, however he is not shown in any photos or video (snap chat). Is this because of his job or personal preference? Once again thank you so very much for sharing your life with us. Your blogs truly do inspire many, me included.

  11. Ericka Dean
    January 24, 2017 / 6:41 PM

    I appreciate this SO MUCH! I am a new mom to a five month old and identify a lot with what you shared. Thank you for sharing a bit of the story behind all of the love we see captured in your photos and videos.

  12. SB Matthews
    January 24, 2017 / 8:18 PM

    Sai,

    As I noted last week, you are brave and courageous.
    Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more!

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