24 Jan Heart To Heart: Motherhood
Motherhood has been one hell of a ride and if I would have told my 20 something year old self that it was going to be the best chapter in my life, I wouldn’t have believed it. As young adults we look at parenting as a chore and a way to lose our self-identity (well I did anyway). I always thought I was going to morph into a soccer mom and be forced to move out of the city. What I didn’t know is that it was my choice to live this chapter the way I wanted to. Let me start from the moment I found out that I was expecting.
The look of shock on my face was one that no one could imagine as I sat there staring at a positive sign on a dollar store pregnancy stick. It was somewhere around 4am as I just got home from one of my bartending jobs and was feeling a little off all week. I remember thinking that the test was defective and that I would grab a new one when I woke. Six pregnancy test and 5 hours later I reached for the phone to call my best friend and tell her the news. We ended up at a PF Changs in New Jersey because of my odd cravings for Chinese food. As we sat there chatting, I was in disbelief. How could I be someone’s mom? I didn’t have my shit together, I had horrible health insurance if any and my boyfriend lived in Canada. What in the world did I have to offer a child? My childhood was less than perfect and I knew that I didn’t want that for my own offspring. I also wasn’t ready to sacrifice my identity and free-spirit to be tied down to a baby. So many things ran through my head over the next few weeks and instead of being excited, I was just a ball of mixed emotions.
I lived in Gramercy with my roommate who I met on Craigslist. If you grew up in NY then chances are you have had about six roommates in your life and sometimes three at a time. It’s equivalent to living in a college dorm. My lease was up around the same time as my due date which was convenient. I knew I would have to move but to where? My boyfriend was so excited about the baby that he immediately thought I would move to Canada and begin a new life. The thought of moving out of NYC made me angry, emotional and upset at the same time. I have this special attachment to this city that never sleeps which is indescribable. How could I leave a place that made me? What about my friends and my life? I had so many thoughts and concerns.
Well, I took the plunge and I left. Three days later, my water broke and my daughter was born 4 weeks early in Montreal. Here I was, in a new country with a new baby feeling happy and lonely at the same time. She was so tiny and I had no idea what I was doing but I was her mom. I remember looking at her and thinking that I was going to give her the life I never had. I wanted her to have the best education followed by all the extracurricular activities she could think of. I wanted to fill her life with love and memorable moments she would never forget. I had a great spouse and knew we could make this happen.
I didn’t immediately change after having a child like people say but I slowly transitioned into a different person. I became more compassionate and patient. I took a minute to slow down which I never did before. I became more confident and stopped caring about what people thought of me. I never blamed my past but instead learned how to be a better parent from it. I wanted to do better so I did by having a much more positive outlook on life with the help of a few Law of Attraction books. I took the time out to be grateful for what I have in my life during its present state rather than dwelling on things I didn’t have. The fears that I once had about becoming a mother were gone and replaced by a feeling of confidence and gratitude. Once when I thought it was horrible timing for a child, turned out to be the perfect time. She taught me to be the person I am today and continues to inspire and push me to be the best role model I can be. No one is perfect but at the end of the day, if you don’t believe in yourself who will?
Thank you for reading and if you want to catch up on last week’s heart to heart post then you can read that here. Don’t forget to leave your comments below, you all inspire me to share my personal experiences with you and I’m forever grateful to be surrounded by such a positive community.